In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

  • On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (and that’s the only time I have to work on my hair).
  • On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
  • On a bar of Dial soap: “Directions: Use like regular soap.” (and that would be how???….)
  • On some Swanson frozen dinners: “Serving suggestion: Defrost.” (but, it’s just a suggestion).
  • On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): “Do not turn upside down (well…duh, a bit late, huh)!

  • On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:”Product will be hot after heating.” (..and you thought????…)
  • On packaging for a Rowenta iron: “Do not iron clothes on body.” (but wouldn’t this save me more time?)
  • On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine:”Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.” (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
  • On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness.” (and…I’m taking this because???….)
  • On most brands of Christmas lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only.” (as opposed to…what?)
  • On a Japanese food processor: “Not to be used for the other use.” (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.)
  • On Sunsbury’s peanuts: “Warning: contains nuts.” (talk about a news flash)
  • On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts” (Step 3: maybe, uh…fly Delta?)
  • On a child’s superman costume: “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”
  • I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one:

  • On a Swedish chainsaw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.” (…was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)